relationships are one of the main places
where our values actually get tested
welcome to Relationship Philosophy
my name is Jenny Morrow
I'm a 20 year marriage therapist and relationship coach
let's dive in
I want to spend some time today
talking about what I mean when I use the phrase
relationship philosophy
I'm going to do that by breaking down three terms today
relationship advice relationship coaching
and relationship philosophy
relationship advice is generally
quick tips and strategies about how to do something
most of the relationship content
you see in social media shorts
fits into this category and it looks something like
here's what to say when your partner gets defensive
or how to set a boundary
when someone doesn't take no for an answer
or it could be as simple as just little info bites
like
three signs that someone is emotionally unavailable
and sometimes
these relationship tips and strategies and advice
are really helpful and true
and sometimes they're not
the next term is relationship coaching
relationship coaching takes relationship advice further
it takes the tips and the strategies
that are inherent in relationship advice
and it engages them in a container
that includes assessment and observation
usually of a specific relationship
and then it identifies patterns
teaches tools offers practices
it tracks what's working and what's not
and tweaks things as needed
and it provides repetition and practice of skills
all with the goal of helping clients
break their unhelpful patterns
and develop higher levels
of relationship skills
you can think of a basketball coach here
or a music teacher they will watch and observe you
they'll teach things that you might need to know
and then they can guide you in practices
they'll also be with you as you engage in practice
over time so that they can answer questions
model things as needed
and give you tweaks to engage skills more effectively
if they are seeing something from the outside
that you might not be seeing
from the inside of your practice
now
all coaching processes are self improvement processes
aimed at a specific goal
in the case of relationship coaching
this might look like a goal
of higher level relationship skills
and better relationships now
I love the coaching process
and it encompasses a lot of my day to day work
since I work with both individuals and couples
who want to improve their ability
to relate to themselves and to others
but I want to dive in and talk about the third term
which is really what this podcast relates to
and that is relationship philosophy
so what is relationship philosophy
and how does it differ from relationship advice
or relationship coaching
let's start with the word philosophy
philosophy comes from the Greek word philosophia
I think that's how you say it
and this translates to love of wisdom
so what is wisdom one way to define wisdom
is to think of it in relation to defining knowledge
knowledge is the accumulation of facts and data
and wisdom is the proper sensible
application of that knowledge to real world scenarios
so does wisdom require experience
yes but experience isn't the only ingredient
because
even though direct engagement with life's complexities
provides the raw material
that allows you to take the facts and the data
and actually understand how to piece things together
it is the internal reflection on those experiences
often combined with empathy and emotional maturity
that truly helps to cultivate that wisdom
and there are alternatives to direct experience
you can actually accelerate the process of gaining
wisdom through vicarious learning
so studying history consuming literature
listening to mentors in the field of relationships
specifically
it would be learning from mentors and teachers
and researchers in that field specifically
so
while wisdom does not always require direct experience
it does require a meta level understanding
of how to apply knowledge appropriately
to different life situations
this implies
you don't necessarily need to experience everything
first hand to be wise
but you do need to be able to analyze what you know
and observe deeply philosophy is
really the practice of analyzing
and reflecting on what is known
or experienced to help us live
more of the outcomes we truly desire in life
or what we might call a wiser life
now when applied specifically to relationships
I define relationship philosophy as
the practice of examining what we truly want in love
and relationships
and then observing and analyzing which world views
choices and practices
can actually produce
the relationship outcomes we desire
and that's the foundation of this podcast
now there are five core branches of philosophy
there's metaphysics epistemology
logic Ethics
and Aesthetic
Metaphysics is a study of ultimate reality
it investigates the nature of existence
being time space
space and the universe
and it can sound intimidating at first
but at the heart of it metaphysics is really asking
what is real what is the nature of existence
who are we what kind of a world are we living in
it asks questions about being reality identity
time consciousness
and meaning and
when we bring metaphysics into relationship philosophy
we start asking some of the deepest questions
underneath love and human connection
so for example
are there such things as soulmates
now that might sound like a romantic question at first
but philosophically
it's actually a metaphysical question
because underneath the idea of a soulmate
are much bigger questions about the nature of love
and even the nature of reality
so are two people destined for each other in some way
is there even a soul that exists
is there one person that we are meant to find
do certain relationships exist before we choose them
almost as if
they're woven into the structure of our lives
or is love something less predetermined
and more created through attention and choice
and timing and devotion and growth
so
metaphysics gives us a way to examine those questions
without needing to rush into certainty
some people experience love as fate
they meet someone and they feel as though
they've known that person forever
almost as though the relationship has some kind of
inevitability to it and other people experience
love is something that becomes meaningful over time
not because it was written in advance
but because two people
keep choosing to build something real together
and relationship philosophy gives us room
to hold both of these possibilities
with curiosity so maybe the question isn't only
is this person my soulmate
maybe the deeper question is
what do I believe love is
is love something that I discover
like finding a person who is already meant for me
or is love something that we create
like building a shared life through presence
honesty through repair
and through care and this matters
because our metaphysics of love shapes how we relate
if I believe that love is purely destiny
I may overlook the daily responsibility
required to really create a healthy relationship
I may think if this is meant to be
it should feel easy or if they are my soulmate
they should understand me without having to explain
they should be able to read my energy
but if I believe that love is only a choice and effort
I may dismiss the mystery of connection altogether
I might miss the strange and beautiful ways
that some relationships come together
or that they do feel larger than logic
so metaphysics helps us to ask
what kind of a thing is love
is it a feeling is it a choice
is it a bond is it an energy between people
is it a reality that we enter into
is it something we make and create
or something we find or is it something that finds us
and we don't have to flatten this question
into one simple answer that's what's so beautiful
is that in relationship philosophy
the soulmate question and all metaphysical questions
become less about proving
whether there is one perfect person assigned to us
and more about exploring
what it means to feel profoundly connected
to another human being what does it mean
when someone
changes the way that we understand ourselves
what does it mean when a relationship feels familiar
or significant or life altering
what does that mean for you
what does it mean to say this love is real
so metaphysics really brings us into the mystery
underneath relationship
the mystery of how two people become deeply connected
without losing themselves
the mystery of how love
can change our sense of identity
the mystery of how our relationship can be invisible
and yet so profoundly real
because you cannot point to love
the way that you can point to a chair or a table
you can't hold a relationship in your hand
but you can absolutely feel
when something is alive inside of you
in the experience of or the presence of a relationship
you can feel
when you experience yourself as feeling strained
or tense you can feel when trust has entered the room
and you can feel when it has left
so in relationship philosophy
metaphysics asks us to consider
the invisible reality of love
and what is this thing between us
was it found chosen
created destined
or some kind of mysterious combination of all of these
or is it just chemicals inside of us
how do we honor something that we cannot fully explain
but we're always trying to create
so metaphysics is really helpful for that
now the next branch of philosophy is epistemology
and epistemology is the study of knowledge
and it asks how do we know what we say we know
it looks at knowledge what we say we believe
or what we say is true it takes our perception
our evidence our interpretations
and what we say we are certain about
and it asks us questions like
what counts as knowledge
how do we know what we say we know
how do we tell the difference
between what is really true
and what we merely believe
how do we know when we should trust our perception
or what a lot of us call intuition
what makes something credible
and when we bring a epistemology
into relationship philosophy
it becomes incredibly personal
because so much of relationship life
depends on what we think we know about ourselves
each other and what is happening between us
so for example
I might think I know my partner is upset with me
but how do I know did they tell me that they were upset
did I notice their tone changing
am I reading their facial expression
am I remembering a pattern from the past
am I sensing something real that's in the room
or am I just filling in the blanks
with my own fear and my own story
so epistemology invites us to slow way down
before we turn our interpretations into facts
because in relationships
we're constantly making meaning
someone pauses before they answer
and we decide what that pause means
someone uses a certain tone
and we draw a conclusion
someone forgets something important to us
and we decide that it reveals
how much they care about us
and sometimes we're right
our perception may be picking up on something real
there may be a pattern there may be a rupture
there may be a misattunement
or information in the body
that the mind hasn't fully articulated yet
but a lot of times we're not right
even when it comes to people
we've known for a long time
so sometimes what we call intuition is actually fear
and that fear can have a very confident voice
and sometimes
what feels obvious is actually an old wound
trying to organize the present moment around the past
so epistemology helps us to ask better questions
what did I actually observe
what am I actually seeing
and what story am I telling myself about what I observe
what evidence do I have what else could be true
what would I need to ask
before I decide that I actually know
so this matters
because many relationship conflicts
are not only conflicts about what happened
they're also conflicts
about how each person knows what happened
one person says I know you were trying to hurt me
and the other says no
I was trying to explain myself
or one person says I know you don't care
and the other says I do care
I just didn't understand how important this was to you
or one person says
I know this relationship isn't working
and the other says I didn't know you felt that way
so epistemology does not ask us to distrust ourselves
it really asks us to become more responsible
with certainty there's a difference between saying
this is what happened
and this is what I observed happen
and saying this is how I experienced what happened
there's a difference between saying
you don't care about me and saying
when that happened I felt uncared for
there's a difference between saying
I know what you meant and saying
here's the meaning I made
and I wanna check in with you and see whether I'm right
so that shift can change everything
because once I recognize that my interpretation
is not the same thing as absolute truth or reality
I become so much more available for curiosity
and if I'm in a relationship with you
and you recognize that my experience is still real
even if my interpretation is incomplete
then we have a much better chance of finding each other
so in relationship philosophy
epistemology helps us to hold both humility and trust
I can trust my experience
without assuming that my interpretation is perfect
I can listen to your perspective
without abandoning my own
and I can care about evidence
while also honoring emotion
I can say something feels off
without immediately deciding
that I know the whole story
and that is a deeply relational skill
and there are levels to our ability
to become more and more advanced in these skills
because love requires us to keep learning each other
not just once not just at the beginning
but really again and again
as we change as individuals
and as the relationship changes and as life changes us
so epistemology reminds us
that one of the most intimate things we can say
in a relationship is
help me understand you not because we know nothing
but because we're humble enough to know
that we never know everything
and we want to be in a continual learning process
the next branch of philosophy is logic
logic is a part of philosophy that looks at reasoning
arguments and whether our conclusions
actually follow from the things we're assuming
so if I say because this is true
then this also must be true
and logic asks wait
does that really follow it helps us
again to slow down
and to look at the structure underneath our thinking
are we making a sound argument
or are we just jumping to conclusions
are we confusing what feels true
with what is actually supported
with evidence and with sound logic
so in that sense
logic gives us a way to tell the difference
between reasoning that is clear and grounded
and reasoning that has holes in it
even if it sounds convincing at first
so let's say that someone thinks
my partner didn't text me back for hours
so that must mean that they don't care about me
now logic would slow that down and ask
does that conclusion logically follow from the evidence
so the premise is my partner didn't text me back for
let's say three hours
but the conclusion is they don't care about me
and when we look closely
there are actually a lot of possible explanations
between those two things now
logic is a little different than epistemology
epistemology is asking
how do we know what we say we know
and logic is are we following sound logical principles
that actually help us make the most likely connections
are we following the logical principles
that allow us to see probabilities
more and more accurately so
for example if we were to say
just because someone didn't text back for hours
doesn't mean that they don't care
it may mean that that's one possibility
but what are other possibilities as well
maybe they were busy or they were overwhelmed
maybe their phone died
or they saw the message and forgot to respond
or maybe there really is a pattern of emotional neglect
but one delayed text by itself does not prove that
so logic helps us to know that
it helps us to know that one text like that
does not prove that a partner doesn't care for us
logic helps us to separate what actually happened
from the meaning we are adding to it
and it does that by helping us understand sound
logical ways of thinking about things
so in relationship philosophy
this matters because again
so much of our suffering happens
when we treat our interpretations as facts
but a lot of us don't know how to
not only ask the question of
how do I know what I know
but then how do I use good logic
a lot of us just weren't trained in good logic
so often we don't just respond to what happened
we respond to the conclusion that we're drawing
about what that means and sometimes
the most powerful relationship work begins by asking
is this true but then it
it follows up with does my logic really follow
or are there other possible explanations
and
are there better critical thinking skills I can use
here another major branch of philosophy is ethics
and ethics is where philosophy starts asking
how should we live what is good
what is right what do we owe ourselves
and to each other in relationships
in relationship philosophy
ethics becomes incredibly personal
because
relationships are one of the main places
where our values actually
get tested
it's easy to say I value honesty
but what happens when that honesty
might disappoint someone
or might get you into trouble with someone
so it's easy to say I believe in kindness
but what happens when being kind
starts to look like you're abandoning yourself
it's easy to say I wanna be loving
but what does love require
when there's conflict or resentment
or power dynamics or pain in the room
ethics really asks us to look beyond what we want
in the moment
and to consider what kind of person we are becoming
through the choices that we make in our relationships
so in relationship philosophy
ethics might sound like
what does it mean to be fair in love
or when is compromise generous
and when is it actually self betrayal
or what do I owe my partner
and then what do I still owe myself
and I think that this is one of the reasons
that relationships are so powerful
they don't just reveal our feelings
they also reveal our character
they show us where our stated values
and our actual choices are aligned
and where they are not and ethics
helps us to bring more consciousness to that gap
so let's say that someone believes a good partner
is always supportive at first
that sounds really beautiful
of course we want to be supportive
but ethics asks us to go deeper
what if my partner wants something that harms them
what if supporting them means staying silent
when I actually see a pattern that concerns me
what if supporting them
requires me to sacrifice my own well being
over and over again so the ethical question becomes
what is the most loving thing here
not just the most agreeable thing
not just the thing that avoids conflict
or not just
the thing that makes me look like a good partner
sometimes support looks like encouragement
and then sometimes it looks like honesty
sometimes it looks like a boundary
sometimes it looks like saying
I love you and I can't participate in this way
in relationship philosophy
ethics helps us to examine the moral texture of love
it asks us to become more thoughtful
about the difference between being nice
and being good
between pleasing someone and then truly caring for them
between loyalty to the relationship
and loyalty to our own integrity
so just like all of these branches of philosophy
ethics has many
many layers that can be explored over time
the final major branch of philosophy is aesthetics
aesthetics is often described as
the philosophy of beauty art
taste and perception
it asks questions like what makes something beautiful
and why are we moved by certain experiences
what gives something a sense of harmony
elegance step meaning
and in relationship philosophy
aesthetics is a way of asking
what kind of relational life do I really want
and what kind of relational life are we creating
because relationships are not just agreements
they're not just communication skills
they're not just logistics
and conflict and repair and emotional regulation
even though all of those things matters so much
relationships also have a felt quality
there's a tone to the way that we speak to each other
there's an atmosphere in the home
there's a rhythm to how people move together
through daily life
there's a kind of beauty in being known
and being witnessed in being considered
and in having someone delight in us
in having someone remember how you take your coffee
or notice when your face changes
aesthetics asks us to pay attention
to the art of relationship
not in a performative way
not in the sense of making our relationships
look beautiful from the outside
but really in a deeper sense of asking
what does this relationship feel like to live inside
does it feel harsh or does it feel tender
does it feel like it's always rushed
or does it feel spacious
does it feel flat or does it feel alive
does it feel chaotic or does it feel grounded
does it have room for play warmth
humor sensuality
ritual grief
repair and surprise
in relationship philosophy
aesthetics helps us to remember
that love is not only something that we prove
through loyalty or explain through logic
love is also something that we experience
through beauty and presence
and the texture of ordinary moments
and it invites us to ask
are we creating a relationship that is not only right
but also beautiful and meaningful
so that completes the five major branches of philosophy
and when we bring all of these branches of philosophy
into the context of relationship philosophy
we start to see how rich
this conversation about relationships really is
and this is why I'm so passionate
about exploring relationships
and about bringing this podcast to all of you
because
relationships are not just something that we have
they are really something that we become
through our relationships
ask us some of the most important questions
in our lives who am I
how do I love what do I owe myself
what do I owe another person
and what is true here what is beautiful here
what is worth choosing and maybe most importantly
what am I learning
and who am I becoming through the way that I relate
so this is the heart of this podcast
this is not just a place
where we'll talk about communication tips
or relationship advice
even though those things are really important
and we will talk about those things at times
this is really a place where we're going to slow down
and look at the deeper ideas underneath
our patterns our longings
our conflicts our commitments
and our love and even underneath
what is the advice that we've gotten from others
what is the advice I might present here
can we really dive a little deeper
to what's underneath all of that
because the way that we relate to ourselves
to life and to other people
really shapes our entire experience of being human
so I am so glad you are here
if this conversation resonated with you
I would love for you to follow the podcast
or YouTube channel so you don't miss a future episode
you can go to my website
and register for the newsletter
if you want to stay in touch
and if you know someone that thinks
deeply about relationships
and personal growth
feel free to share this episode with them
and if you're listening on a platform
where you can leave a rating or a review
that is really one of the most generous ways to
support the podcast
it helps other people find these conversations
and it means so much to me
thank you so much for being here
for this first conversation on relationship philosophy
I'll see you in the next episode
